What is lurking in your shadow?

Once upon a time, there lived a younger version of us. As we grew, people projected their fears, anger, pain,and ideals onto us. 

Many of us encountered abuse on some level at a certain point in our childhood, and that is when our ego and shadows were born.

Our childhood ego personality developed as a defence mechanism to protect us from whatever threats our bodies and consciousness perceived to be around us.

I, for example, a noticeably confident and outspoken child was conditioned to people please and it was made abundantly clear to me that my feelings and contributions were not important, because everything and everyone was centered around pleasing my mother – an impetuous, spoiled brat in an adult’s body.

My ego learned early on from external stimuli that to be accepted, I had to say and do what pleased others, especially others who had similar qualities to my mother. And it was always at the expense of my own expression, feelings and wishes.

Basically, I became a professional martyr, people pleaser and self-betrayer. 

However, something was not right. I would often feel bitter, unworthy, and resentful. 

Ever since I can remember, I grew up feeling terribly angry, and was often labelled as aggressive and short tempered. 

I now understand that I was not happy, because I felt like a prisoner in the persona which I had shaped for myself. Someone who was not me at all, but each time I wanted to be me, I was not accepted. That was painful.

In my childhood, my body and my psyche may have perceived my authentic self as a threat to my survival and development. 

On the inside I was one way, and on the outside, I was another way, afraid of being rejected and punished and ostracised for being authentic. 

As I grew, my ego personality grew with me, in attempts to continue protecting me from new threats. 

I became a rebel, showing those who I felt betrayed my trust the most that I was cold and unbothered by their abuse and rejection, all the while I was hurting inside. 

And since the external situation was not getting better, I was finding new ways to cope internally – distractions, numbing and escapism, till I became entirely shadow and ego.

Fast forward to the end of 2019, where I was forced to face my shadow, due to how my codependency was causing me problems in my relationships. My childhood ego shell was no longer serving me, and I needed to let it go.

It was a very painful and hard pill to swallow, so I have the utmost empathy and respect for everyone who is newly inducted into the world of shadow work. 

I felt very disorientated and betrayed, that everything I had been so forcefully conditioned to be was wrong. Not only was it hurting me, but it was hurting those closest to me too due to my constant unconscious projections.

Since then, I have been progressively working to unearth my shadow, but not banish it. After all, some of our innate superpowers can be found in our shadow if we learn how to heal and empower ourselves. 

Some of the superpowers I developed through my shadow, which I am grateful for, are my strong claircognisant and clairsentient abilities. 

Anyone who grew up in an environment where they had to gauge the mood very carefully before speaking or acting in childhood is most likely a sensitive person, who is extremely cautious about confrontation and being rejected. 

While this often gives way to codependency and weak boundaries with one’s self and others, on the other hand, this sensitivity can also develop one’s psychic abilities. We have had to use these skills for ‘survival’ and did not even know. 

I was so embarrassed about my codependency initially, and I still feel a little knot in my stomach as I write this. However, now I know where this comes from, and what to do about it, it is not as daunting anymore. 

I am embracing my shadow, because what once was the cause of fear and pain, is now a powerful tool I which I use in my practice. It also gives me a lot more empathy and compassion when I see people who are working so hard to work against these resistance blocks. 

Now, I care less and less about being liked and accepted. I have learned that authenticity is one the first keys to my self-satisfaction. 

I do not fear making light of my vulnerabilities because I know what it takes and where I have had to go to reach this place of POWER.

I have turned my weakness into a strength and a tool. To be more precise, a tool which helps me make a good living, and is of service to others as well as myself. 

Instead of hiding these parts of me which I rejected, and I felt so embarrassed about for so long, I’m now bringing everything to the surface, and reexamining my past through an empowered, secure, adult lens. 

And that is exactly what shadow work is about. 

Shadow work is hard; it is not for the weak. But then again, I do not believe anyone is inherently weak. I think we are only weak when the voices in our head (usually taken on from the media, parental figures, childhood friends, teachers, etc.) tells us we are weak. It is all a matter of perspective and empowerment.

I now look back at my mother who I called an impetuous, spoiled brat in an adult’s body. Yes, she inflicted a lot of pain on to me, but I know, whether she knows it or not, that she has been hurting for a long time. 

In my opinion, she became the warning poster of what happens when you do not even acknowledge your shadow nor ego. She has become consumed in a delusional existence to avoid many difficult events which have risen which would have had to force her to face her shadow. Subconsciously she may have feared that this was too overwhelming and dangerous (in her perception) to face her shadow and ego, so she created other realities where she could hide in.

Over the last few months, I have decided that I want to play a part in progressing and awakening mass consciousness. 

There has always been an overwhelming voice which tells us we are worthless, powerless, and stuck. Of course, this has been more evident since the outbreak of COVID-19. 

I want to be part of the OTHER voice, in hopes that voices of others like myself eventually REPLACE these voices of fear, self-doubt, restriction and lack mindset with a sense of freedom, empowerment, proactivity, accountability, independent thought and objectivity.

For example, have you ever pondered why ‘work’ takes up most of our lives? 

Why is this aspect the ONE area in our lives that the collective consciousness has deemed acceptable to throw most of our effort, time, and energy into? 

At the expense of our wellbeing, relationships with others, relationship with ourselves, spiritual growth, personal development, physical development and much more?

Are we slaves? Have we been brainwashed to believe our jobs constitute the most important part of our lives? 

Why is it that society does not operate on a system where we only work 6 months a year, and spend the other 6 fulfilling and discovering other parts of multidimensional selves? 

As we start to face our shadow and deconstruct our childhood ego and conditioning, we wake up and start challenging things which we just took for granted as tradition, fact, and way of life.

As I always ask; who is the architect of this system, and who is benefactor? Is it you?

Another post for another day.

#selfreflection #shadowwork #innerchildwork #transformation #empowerment #questioneverything #lightupthedarkness #workingwithyourshadow #theego #childhoodtrauma #releasingshame